Losing to Win

My Daddy and Me

Loss.  It’s something we all will experience and one time or another in our short lives.  I recently had to sit back and watch as someone very close to me experienced loss for the first time.  No matter how hard you try or how much loss you have experienced in your own life, you know that there are truly no words that can make it better.  Only time can heal that hurt.

 

I was 24 years old before I experienced my first real loss and that was when my dad passed away unexpectedly.  I will never forget that day and I replay it in my mind often.  I was working in Bryce Canyon, Utah as a trail guide.  It was October 11^th.  The night before, we had hosted a dinner for the guests who were on one of our 7 day trail rides that went through all the parks (Zion, Bryce, and Grand).  The dinners were so much fun.  There was always a great meal, plus excellent live music, and lots of dancing.  There was one woman who was a manager at the lodge restaurant that I just absolutely adored.  I had talked to her several times about meeting my dad because I thought they would really hit it off.  When the dinner was over, I had considered driving up to the top of the mountain (about 6 miles) to the only place I got cell service to call my dad and tell him all about her.  But, it was late and our mornings always started really early, so I decided to wait until morning. 

 

2011 SMMTR Champion Buckle

The next morning, I woke up very excited.  I couldn’t wait to call my dad and tell him all about this new woman I wanted him to meet!  He had been single for so long, and all I wanted was for him to have some companionship other than me!  I tried calling him on my way to work, but didn’t get an answer.  It was early…he was probably just sleeping.  I went about my day as normal.  As the afternoon rolled around, I was told that I didn’t have to take out an afternoon ride.  I tied a long string of horses together and headed to the corrals to start unsaddling.  I decided on my ride back that I would try to call him again.  It rang and rang and went to the answering machine.  I heard that voice that I had heard all my life and smiled.  My dad always had the best answering machine messages.  He was a complete character, so he often had a cowboy poem or a joke as his message and he always ended it with, “Tootles!”  I left a message.

 

“Hey Dad…it’s me.  Just calling to say hi and see what you are up to.  I’ll be home soooooon!  The 15^th is my last day here.  I can’t wait to see you.  I’ve missed you so much!  Call me as soon as you get this.  I’ve got some stuff I want to tell you!  I love you.  See you soon!  Bye.”

 

2012 SMMTR Champion Buckle

I got to the corrals and started tying up horses and mules. As I began to unsaddle I saw a truck pull up.  It wasn’t long before I realized that it was my great aunt and uncle, and my cousins (from my mom’s side, my mom’s age), Carol and Denise.  I was a little confused and surprised to see them.  Although they just lived a couple of hours from where I worked, I hardly ever got a chance to see them.  I figured they were there to say goodbye as they knew I would be leaving to head back to California in just a few days.  When they got out of the truck, I could see that Denise was crying.  She ran over and gave me a huge hug.  I hadn’t seen Denise in years so I assumed that she was just so happy to see me.  She finally turned me loose and my great uncle, Tommy, grabbed ahold of me. 

 

2013 SMMTR Champion Buckle

He hugged me tightly and then grabbed me by the arms, pushing me away to look me in the eyes.  “Lacey.  This isn’t a social visit,” he said.  I felt the confusion and panic building up inside of me.  His voice cracked and trembled and I knew bad news was coming. What could it be?  My grandma?  My grandpa?  I couldn’t imagine that my family in California wouldn’t just call me to give me the news.  “Lacey, your dad passed away last night.  He went to sleep and he never woke up.”  I shook my head.  It was all that I could do.  I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t speak.  He pulled me to him tightly.  In my mind, all I could think was, “He’s lying. This is not true.  There is no way that this could be true!” I could hear myself saying, “No, no, no, no.”  It was all I could muster up.  I pulled away from him.  I stumbled back three or four feet.  There were a million thoughts running through my head but none of them made sense.  I was devastated.  I was in shock. I was ANGRY!  I wanted to throw my cowboy hat, but I didn’t.  I just sat down, right there on the ground, pulled my hat down low over my eyes and cried.  I could feel the family gathering around me and I knew I needed to do something.  I stood up and dusted myself off.  I knew I needed to be strong.  My life had just changed completely.

 

I hugged everyone and as I cried, they cried with me.  There was a lot to do and I needed to get home.  I unsaddled the mule I had been riding and gathered up all of my tack.  I loaded it all in my uncle’s truck and had him drive me down to the lodge.  When I went in, I found the owner’s daughter-in-law was working the desk.  I told her that I had a family emergency, that my dad had passed away, and I needed to leave immediately. I had left a whole string of horses and mules saddled, but I needed to get down to my house and pack.  I needed to get home as soon as possible. 

 

A lot of people in this world don’t understand Mormons or the LDS religion.  I am not going to sit here and pretend like I understand it either.  However, I will tell you this…I have never met kinder, more helpful people in my entire life.  As soon as work was over at the canyon, the whole crew (including the owner) showed up at my house to help me pack. My entire house was packed and loaded in an hour.  They had hooked up my trailer, loaded my horses and dog, and fueled up my pickup. As I hugged everyone goodbye, the owner told me that he had left a little something for me in my sun visor and instructed me not to open it until I was out of town.  When I reached my cousin’s house, I found that they had written me a personal note, telling me how much they enjoyed working with me, that they were so sorry for my loss, and that I would be in their prayers.  In the envelope, there was also $1500.  They called it a bonus for staying on all season.  As I said before, they are some of the most compassionate people I have ever dealt with.



Unfortunately, the only recent pictures I have of my dad and I are roping pictures.

 

I would like to say the next few days weren’t easy, or the next few months weren’t easy…but the truth is, the next few years weren’t easy and to this day I still struggle constantly.  Everyone handles loss differently.  Some people are able to shake it off and understand it.  I was not and am not that person.  I’ve heard a lot of people say, “You need to get over this at some point.”  Do you ever really get over something like that?  I’ve heard people tell me, “At least you didn’t have to see him suffer.”  My counter-response has always been, “That’s right.  However, I also never had a chance to say goodbye”.  I was unprepared for this and because of that, I often struggle with the reality of it all.  Did it really happen?  Is this just a terrible nightmare?  But, unfortunately it’s not.  And guess what…you never really get over it.  Things get easier…I wouldn’t be writing this if it didn’t.  Oh, and you can rest assured that writing this has been a complete struggle.  I have forced back tears several times right here in the middle of Starbucks.  This is something that I have shared with few people.  But for you to know how I got here, you need to know where I’ve been.  For you to understand why I am so determined, you have to know how hard I’ve been challenged.

 



2012 High $ Lady silver cuff bracelet

I’ve been told a lot in life that God doesn’t give us anything that we can’t handle.  Perhaps we don’t always handle it well, but in the long run we come out stronger and better because of the lessons learned.  I believe that my dad is in Heaven.  I believe that he is up there watching over me and guiding me daily.  It is because of him that I am who I am today.  I have been blessed with two extremely strong and ambitious parents.  I am definitely a product of them both and for that I am very thankful.  I now know that to when you lose someone so close to you, you really have to rely on your faith to get you through. You have to know deep down in your heart and soul that you will see that person again someday when you are finally called home.

 

The pain that I have endured in the past has made me so strong.  I know that my time here is short and I need to enjoy every second of it.  I spent way too much time being sad.  It is really ok to struggle with the loss of a loved one and it’s ok to cry and be sad.  But, don’t let it consume your entire life.  It has taken me six years to get back to myself.  As a matter of fact, it was just last night that I went to dinner with my roommate and she asked me, “Who is this person that I’m sitting next to?  Who is this Lacey that makes a ton of friends in a week and is positive and outgoing?”  My response to her was, “This is the real Lacey.  You haven’t met her yet.  This is the Lacey who can talk to anyone and has a million friends.  It might have taken a really long time, but I’m back!”  And you know what?  It feels good to be back!  I can’t wait to get my butt in the saddle every day and go out there and turn steers.  That passion is pulsing through my veins and for the first time in a long time, I feel like ME.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…God instills these passions and ideas in us.  They aren’t there by chance.  The reason why I feel at home in the arena is all because of Him.  It’s how I’m designed.  It’s how I’ve been programmed.  When I am roping, I feel good. When I feel good, I can go talk to people.  When I can talk to people, I make friends.  Period.  It’s that simple for me.  I may never be a champion.  I’m not doing this because I want to be the greatest woman team roper that ever lived.  I am doing this simply because I LOVE IT. 

 

Mia Hamm said it well…”Somewhere behind the athlete you’ve become and the hours of practice and the coaches who have pushed you, is a little girl who fell in love with the game and never looked back…play for her.”  Life will challenge you.  You will face failure, loss, and disappointment.  Shaking those things off is not an easy task, but trust me when I say it can be done!  It’s ok to grieve and it’s ok to be sad.  I’ve been so sad that I wanted to die.  But you can’t lose sight of the things you love.  It is those things that may just keep your heart beating. 

 



2013 High $ Lady tripping collar

As always, I want to thank all those people in my life who keep me motivated.  I could go on all day naming people so I am simply going to say, you know who you are!!!  To my devoted readers, you are a part of the group of people who keep me motivated!  Thank you for believing in me and thank you for supporting me!  I pray that by me sharing my life and experiences, that I am helping others on their life quests!



Note:  The Steve Maddalena Memorial Team Roping is a roping that myself and the Sierra Valley Roping Club put on annually in Sierraville, CA.  The roping is held the first weekend in August and is always fun for everyone! All silver prizes are designed and made by Skyline Silversmiths and all leatherwork (not including the saddle) is made by Juan Jose Munoz Andrade.  If you have any questions regarding the team ropings I have mentioned in this post or others or information regarding prizes awarded, please feel free to email me at cowgirly13@gmail.com or post a comment here. Thank you again for your loyalty as readers!!