Something strange happened to me the last couple of
days. I felt like I was losing my
positivity. I prayed and prayed and
prayed for God to bring back that positive light that I had in my life. I went from feeling like nothing could go
wrong because I always have the Lord on my side to feeling this really heavy
sense of doubt weighing on my soul. And
why? I have no idea! Things could not be going better for me. For the first time in a long time I have the
opportunity to have a job that actually will pay me for all of my hard
work. For the first time in a long time
I am surrounded by people who think like I do and enjoy the same things that I
do. For the first time in a long time I
have been able to rope and improve both my horse and myself. For the first time in a long time I feel like
I have no worries. So why the heck am I
so worried?
I spent the day yesterday doing a ride along with a guy who
has been with the company that I intend on working with for the last ten
years. It couldn’t have gone
better. I enjoyed my day and I think
that I will not only be a great addition to the team, but also will truly enjoy
my work. I expected to come home feeling
elated with the possibilities of what my future could bring. But I really didn’t feel that way. As a matter of fact, I didn’t feel anything
at all! It took a lot of thought and
prayer before I realized that I think I am a little overwhelmed. I have spent my entire life struggling with
things. I was brought up in a way where
I never asked for anything, and everything I had was something that I earned
and worked extremely hard for. I was the
kind of girl who wouldn’t eat anything but top ramen because I was saving for
something such as rodeo fees. Now there
is a possibility that I will never have to worry about that again.
It’s really hard not to sit around and think about all the
things you could be doing if you were making the money that you want to be
making. I couldn’t help but think that
with this job (if I get it), I will be able to afford another rope horse. I can actually afford to buy one that I DON’T
have to train. I will be able to use my
perfect, wonderful, little Solo as a practice and backup horse so that I don’t
destroy him! For those of you that are
unaware, Solo is only about 14.1 hands and maybe weighs 1100 pounds on a FAT
day. He is smaller than the majority of
the heel horses that my heelers are riding.
But, he has more heart and soul than any big horse in the arena. It warms heart to go places and have people
tell me, “man, I really like that little horse.
He is so cool!” 
I had another horse like him once. It was a mare that I had purchased not too
long after my dad had passed away. She
was an excellent little mare. When I
first bought her she was 9 years old. She ran hard to cattle, was great in the box, and gave me the same shot every time. She was one of the only finished head horses
that I ever bought. But she, like Solo,
was very small framed. She was slightly
taller at 15 hands but only weighed a little over 1000 pounds. I typically like my head horses larger. I like a long strided, big horse…something
maybe 15.2-16 hands and 1250 pounds or more.
I like a horse that feels strong and is heavy boned. This mare was far from that. At the time that I bought her, she was my
only head horse. I was roping really
well and it wasn’t uncommon for me to enter up in every single roping that I
went to. Riding her was a guaranteed trip
to the pay window every time. Since I
was entered up at every roping, if I caught every steer and if my heelers did
their part, I could be turning up to 80 head on her in one day. Her poor little body just couldn’t take
it. After 4 years of riding her hard,
she started to get arthritis. It wasn’t
long before she couldn’t catch up to faster cattle and I had to start looking
for something else.  |
| "Lucky Peaches"...little horse, big heart! |
I owe a lot to Solo.
If it weren’t for my faith in him and my faith in us as a team, I
wouldn’t have quit my ob. If I wouldn’t
have quit my job, I wouldn’t have been introduced to this new, great
opportunity. I owe it to him to be easy
on him. He needs to be ridden and used
in a way that benefits him and showcases his talents. However, I don’t need to ride him into the
ground when it’s unnecessary. But saving
my horse is not what this blog is about today.
It’s about actually being able to do things for myself that I’ve wanted
and needed for so long now. I spent the
morning talking with my cousin. She has
seen me go through struggle after struggle.
I have sold everything I own multiple times to survive and come back
time and time again. I have pinched pennies and lived within my means for so
long that I often feel guilty for spending money even when I do have it! I told her this morning, it actually stresses
me out to think that I will be able to buy things for myself and not feel bad
about it because they are things that I maybe don’t need, but things that I
really want! I would really love to
trade in my horse trailer for one that maybe has some sort of living quarters
for when I am on the road so that I don’t have to sleep in my pickup. And I could really use a new pickup at some
point. But letting those things even
cross my mind makes me feel guilty. I
often think, “My trailer is nice enough…I don’t need a new one.” But do I want one? Yep!
“My truck still runs good. Do I
need a new one? Probably not.” But do I want one? You bet.
I am told that I really need to let go of that mentality a little. I have always been responsible. It is time for me to enjoy the benefits that
have become of all my hard work. 
I see a lot of people from my generation and younger running
around in brand new pickups with huge trailers and expensive horses that their
parents bought for them. They really
truly have no idea what it feels like to want for anything. A lot of people walk around with a “wouldn’t
it be nice” mentality about these kids.
I feel completely the opposite. I
actually feel sorry for these kids. I
know first-hand that sometimes parents die.
A lot of times, these kids who have been given everything their whole
lives have no idea that money, no matter how much you have, isn’t disposable.
If you are not willing to work, eventually that money is going to run out and
these poor kids have no idea how to survive on very little. I feel pretty dang blessed that I have worked
for everything I have ever had. I don’t
know if I’ll ever settle down and have kids, but if I do, I will be able to
leave them with something someday. And I
will bring them up the exact same way that I was brought up…knowing that to get
what you want in life you have to make lemonade out of lemons. If you want butter, get to churning! You can’t walk around with a sense of
entitlement thinking that everyone owes you something. No one owes you a darn thing! If you want something, you earn it. I shouldn’t feel bad about the things that
may come to me I my future. I’ve been
churning that butter for a long time and I deserve to have the things that I
desire. Whether I can convince myself
that I deserve them is an entirely different story.
I started writing this blog yesterday, and decided to finish
it up this morning. Something happened
to me overnight. I woke up this morning
and that positive attitude has returned.
It’s so strange to me that I can be so happy and pleased with my life
that it nearly moves me to tears. I came
across something this morning that touched me in a way that after reading it, I
felt incredibly strong again. Like no
matter what this world throws at me, I can handle it. It said, “I DECLARE that God has a great plan
for my life. He is directing my
steps. And even though I may not always
understand how, I know my situation is not a surprise to God. He will work out every detail to my
advantage. In His perfect timing,
everything will turn out right. This is
my declaration.” They are beautiful
words and they are so incredibly inspiring and soothing to me. I have worked hard and struggled for a long
time. When an opportunity is presented
to me that assures me that I won’t have to struggle anymore, it’s really hard
for me to accept. I am the kind of
person who spends $30 on getting my nails done and then feels guilty afterwards
because I think, “Did I really need to spend $30 on that?” I am thankful that my parents raised me the
way that they did because I understand the value of a dollar, but at the same
time, I really wish I could enjoy the fact that my hard work has finally paid
off without feeling guilty. I know that I
will get there eventually.
Sometimes it is so hard for us to realize that we deserve to
be happy because we have been beat down for so long. Accept the gifts that God has given you. You do deserve them! I am excited that I will be able to possibly
make an even better life for myself than I already have. I am so thankful for everything that I have
been given and I am really looking forward to my future. It is onward and upward from here on out! It’s time to stop standing on the mountain
top and dreading the valley below! I
need to enjoy the air up here and realize that the valley may not be as bad as
it seems!
As always, I want to thank all my amazing readers. You inspire me to keep writing and that means
more to me than I can put into words. I
want everyone to know that your emails, comments, and support drive me to get
up in the morning and slay those giants!
I keep being told that I am inspiring, but the truth is that is your
stories that inspire me! Please keep
reading and continuing to share with your friends and loved ones! I also want to take a quick second to thank a
very special person in this journey…Michael T.
Thank you so much for driving 2 hours to come pick up my broke-down 4
wheeler, spending time and money to fix it, bringing it back to me, and then
not accepting any form of payment from me.
Your kindness has touched me in a way that I can’t even conceive. I truly hope that I can someday pay back the
kindness that you have bestowed upon me.
When I get to Reno and do a great job, it will be partly because of the
support and friendship that you have offered me! You are a blessing! I also want to thank my very close friends
and family who have been pushing me every day to keep going. It’s not always easy to commit to something
that you aren’t getting paid for. This
isn’t my job, it is simply my hobby.
Love you all!
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