I’ve really slipped up lately. Perhaps it’s the weather. Perhaps I’ve been letting mediocre things
take control of my attitude. Or perhaps
it’s my good old controlling nature getting the way again. Either way, I’m back to feeling like my old
self and that’s not good. I killed that
girl for a reason. She was hindering me
from becoming the person that I want to be.
I haven’t been to church in a while and I haven’t gone out and ridden my
horse all by myself with just my thoughts for a while. That has really affected my thought process. I’ve been letting things that are way out of
my control get me down and frustrate me.
It’s not only taken a toll on me, but also those around me.
I recently became involved with a new person. We became fast friends and I knew that I
wanted to have him in my life for a long time.
I wasn’t searching for any kind of relationship beyond friendship and I’m
still not, but attraction and chemistry being what it is, things escalated somewhat
quickly which led to miscommunication and confusion for both people. I (obviously) have a tendency to put myself
out there for the world to see. This is
me. What you see is what you get. I don’t lie, I don’t cheat, I don’t steal. My life is an open book and I allow anyone to
read it. I wear my heart on my sleeve
and I usually end up getting my feelings hurt.
I’ve tried to be different, but some things never change. You are who you are and God made you that way
for a reason. When I jump in to
something, I jump in feet first so that I can hit the ground running. While I am somewhat impulsive, I don’t like
to move quickly into relationships and I am not actively seeking a relationship. But sometimes actions speak louder than words
and at some point, both of our actions led to confusion with one another. Now, for the last week, I have been working
like a busy little worker bee to fix whatever damage may have been caused by
these impulse actions and I only continue to make things worse.
It’s just like working with a problem horse. They aren’t born problem horses…it is
man-made issues that create problems down the line. For example:
you’ve got a rider with a heavy hand.
He is constantly pulling on his horse’s mouth and eventually that horse
stops responding to mouth pressure completely.
Pretty soon, he just starts doing whatever he wants. He doesn’t stop, he doesn’t turn around, he
runs through your hand…too much effort to control a situation usually leads to
complete loss of control.
But I tend to let things consume me. I’ve caught myself thinking constantly, “How
can I fix this? What can I do to make
this better? Why did God put this person
in my path?” All of these things are
redundant. I can’t fix anything. I can’t make anything better. And the only being who knows why this person
was brought into my life is God Himself.
I will drive myself crazy trying to figure out things that are way
beyond my control, versus just throwing my hands up in the air and saying, “This
is in God’s hands. I know that He has a
plan for me and that plan is better than what I can even imagine for myself.” I’ve let something that probably doesn’t even
matter affect my mood, my attitude, and my life for a week. I have wasted a week being confused because
of another person’s actions and feelings which are completely out of my hands. And I probably ruined a friendship in the process
by trying to control every aspect of it instead of just letting it be.
We all slip and fall in life. There are no perfect people. Everyone struggles with addictions, be it
addictions to substances, addictions to religion, addiction to people, or
addictions to feelings. I am addicted to
the feeling of control and I am addicted to caring about what others think of
me. No matter how much of it I get in my
life, it’s never enough and I have to have more. Church and riding my horse is my rehab. It puts everything in perspective for me and
trains me to remember that I have very little control of my life. You can’t rip a train off its tracks and
expect it to get very far. And that’s
exactly what happens when we try to control every aspect of our lives. We get stuck in a rut…not moving forwards and
not moving backwards. Just plain old
stuck and completely off track.
I’m tired of getting stuck.
I can sit here and tell you that I am NEVER going to do this again, but
we all know that’s complete bullshit.
This is who I am and while I can recognize it now and pull myself out
before it gets to be too big of a problem, I am always going to be that girl
who cares too deeply, too quickly whether it be with friends, lovers, animals,
jobs…anything. I put 100% of myself into
everything that I do so when it doesn’t go how I wanted it to, I experience
serious disappointment.
I’m not sure if the damage done with my friend is repairable
or not. But, I do know that I need to
get on my horse and really spend some time visiting with God. I have to remember that I started out this
year with a purpose. It’s barely
February and I am already allowing myself to get off track because of a deep,
dark desire to have people in my life that care as much for me as I do
them. They are out there, I just have to
remember who they are and recognize that everyone that is placed in my path is
not meant to LOVE me. Maybe they are
just here to teach me a quick lesson or remind me that I had a plan and I need
to stick with it. I know exactly what I
need to do now. As a cowgirl, I was
taught that when you get bucked off, you dust yourself off and get back in the
saddle. I have done that over and over
again in life. Right now is not any
different. Who knows what will
happen. Maybe I get back on and that pony
dashboards me a few more times. Or,
maybe I climb back up there to find I’ve ridden all the rough off of her and
she’s the nicest nag I’ve ever ridden.
Either way, I’m not going down without a fight and I can’t make her
something she’s not. You just sit up in
that saddle and enjoy the ride regardless.
My life is good. I
have a new, wonderful job opportunity. I
have a nice little horse that tries so hard for me every day. I have a slew of good friends and family that
love me despite all of my inadequacies.
I can’t keep letting my issues with loss and loneliness get in the way
of my happiness. I’ve talked about
perfection before and how when you seek it, all you find is
disappointment. It’s time that I
practice what I preach. Psalm 9:10 says,
“And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not
forsaken those who seek you.” My day may
be half over, but it’s never too late to start putting my life in His
hands. Any problems that you may have,
He will be there to comfort you if you let Him.
I have spent the last week saying, “No, God…I don’t need you! I got this!”
I should have been talking to Him and actually listening to His response.”
I know that this is a blog about roping and my journey to
get to the Reno Rodeo All-Girl. I also
realize that this blog post today didn’t have much to do with either of those
subjects. However, I want to point out
that there are a lot of times we let our personal issues get in the way of the
things that we really want in life. The
Bible teaches us that that is the Devil’s way of trying to hold us back. He places temptation in our path and leads us
astray so that we lose sight of what is really important. I’m the first to admit that I am so guilty of
this. I hope this blog post today helps
some of you to see that even the most driven, positive people slip up from time
to time. I have many people write to me
and tell me that I am inspiring them to do great things and that means the
world to me. But I am far from perfect
and I let things get the better of me sometimes too, just like everyone. Please, whatever you are going through in
life, know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. When you feel like you are simply surrounded
by darkness, know that the light is coming.
Everyone goes through rough patches, you just have to keep the faith, know
that you are strong, and you WILL get through it.
As always, I thank you for continuing to read and supporting
me on this journey. I am praying for
nicer weather and planning on entering some jackpots very soon (maybe even
Wednesday if I get a chance to practice a little). I also want to throw out a prayer request for
my friends and family in California. As
I am sure you all know, we are experiencing a horrid drought out there. If you like to eat, please pray for rain out
there as we are currently at about 2% of our moisture and the entire state is
in a state of emergency. Thanks and God’s
blessings to you and yours!
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