Well, I kept saying it would, I kept faith that it would,
and it finally did…I WON! As some of you
know, this last week I turned 30 years old.
From the day I turned 29 up until about 3 weeks ago, I was absolutely
dreading turning 30. I kept telling myself,
“You aren’t married. You don’t have kids. You still live your life like you’re 25…what
the heck have you accomplished?” And
then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I
have accomplished a lot! I have traveled
a lot. I have done a lot of different
jobs. I have an education. I own my own home. I run a ranch. I have become a fairly good horsewoman. I have grown significantly in my faith
(something I am extremely proud of). I
have survived a serious car accident, the death of my dad, my mom’s illness…I
have moved halfway across the country to a place where I knew very few people
and I have made friends and started a whole new life for myself. I have a great job that makes me a decent
living. And I am extremely blessed to
say that I own two amazing horses that would kill themselves for me if I asked
them to. 30 isn’t something to
fear! As a matter of fact, I think my 30’s
may be my best years ever!
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| Happy Birthday, Dad! |
So anyway, I turned 30 on Thursday and my dad’s birthday
would have been Friday. Let’s just say,
birthdays since he passed away haven’t always been happy. They are actually quite hard. Every year, the ACTRA state finals takes
place on the weekend of our birthdays, so we always spent our birthdays
together. When he died, that was one of
the toughest things for me to get through.
I’ve told you all the story of how I won my saddle many times. I won it in Winnemucca on the 20th
of September in 2002. When JT and I
roped our final steer clean, my dad was banging on the side of the trailer,
hooting and hollering…he was so proud of me.
It is my fondest memory that I have of him.
Since my birthday was on Thursday, we decided to have my 30th
birthday celebration (a small, intimate cookout at my house) on Friday. I’m sure a few of you have lost parents or
loved ones, so you know what I mean when I say that there are certain days
where you feel like a volcano just waiting to erupt. You don’t know when the meltdown is going to
happen and you pray and pray that it won’t, but you know it’s just a matter of
time before it does. Sure enough,
halfway through the night while playing a game, I snapped. It was like I had no control of my anger and
I took it out on someone who absolutely did not deserve it at all. I felt like such a jerk. After I cooled down, I apologized and
everything was let go and we had fun.
But I still had that feeling inside of me. When the party died down and there were only
a couple of us left, I snuck off to my bathroom and had a little
breakdown. There were so many thoughts
going through my head and I felt that same heart wrenching pain I feel every
year. I miss him so much that sometimes it feels like I’m dying. I let
myself have a few minutes to cry, I washed my face, and decided to go back out
to be with my friends. As I came out of
my bathroom, I realized my friend and team roping partner, Jason, was standing
in the door of my bedroom.
“Are you ok?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I replied.
“No, you aren’t.” he said, and he pulled me in close for one
of his famous, comforting, safe, bear hugs.
He too has lost his dad and he knows and understands what I’m going
through. It felt good to not have to
pretend. I let myself say out loud the
things that were going on in my head because I knew that he would get it. I have another friend who recently lost her
dad. Not only has she lost her dad, but
just days before her dad (who she was extremely close to) passed away, she also
had a late-pregnancy miscarriage.
Needless to say, her life has been hell lately. But I have been seeing on her Facebook a lot
that she has been having dreams of her dad.
He comes to her and tells her that everything is ok. And though I am so happy for her that she has
that, I can’t help but be extremely jealous.
I have only had one or two dreams of my dad since he passed away eight
years ago. There are times where I would
give anything to talk to him again. And
I always crave it and pray for it this time of year.
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| Jason and me. First steer in the #7 |
As we sat on my bed and talked, I told Jason how badly I
wished I could have a dream where I could speak to my dad just one more time. I want to know if he is watching over me. I want to know that I’m making him
proud. I would give almost anything to
hear his laugh again and hear him tell me he loves me, he’s proud of me, and
everything is ok. That’s when he told me
that sometimes that’s not what we need.
And even if I got it, wouldn’t I crave it even more? He was right.
I probably would.
That night I went to sleep relieved that I have someone in
my life who really understands what I am going through. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of friends
who have been through what I have, but I don’t have anyone close by and I am
not one to seek out others when I’m feeling down. I’m the kind of person who has to be forced
to admit I’m upset before I actually start talking about things like my
feelings. I’d rather run and hide, then
let it out and talk about it. When I
woke up the next morning, I was surprised that my eyes were crusty like I had
been crying in my sleep. I couldn’t recall
having any dreams and I slept like a baby so I chalked it up to my never-ending
allergies. We all got up and got dressed
and got ready for the roping.
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| Kid Rock...maybe too much personality for one horse! |
As you all know, I bought a new horse over the 4th
of July. While I rope really well on him
in practice, I am far from confident on him in competition. As a matter of fact, I have pretty much been
a choke artist at jackpots lately on BOTH horses. And, if I do rope my butt off, I still can’t
win! I’ve just been really unlucky when
it comes to ropings lately. A couple of
weekends ago, I roped in Dallas and while I roped outstanding, there was one
steer that set up really hard and I was pretty sure that I had hurt Solo badly. At one point, he acted like he was tying up,
so I got off and uncinched him and he stretched way out and rocked back and
forth. Whatever he did must have worked
because his back isn’t sore to the touch, but I made up my mind then and there
that I needed to start jackpotting on Kid Rock.
He is a bigger horse and much stronger and he can take a hit and pull
anything. So, I took him out to a little
jackpot last Sunday and I missed 3 out 4 steers. Trust me when I say, it was not my horses
fault. I literally just choked on
him. I was nervous and packing my rope
down the pen instead of being aggressive and swinging coming out of the
box. I couldn’t figure out what my
problem was, but I was seriously disgusted with myself and I decided that I had
better rope on Solo again at the Fire It Up roping this weekend. Stick with what works! I needed to be on the horse that I trusted
and was confident on if I wanted to pull a check!
But something happened that night while I was asleep. Maybe Dad did come to me in a dream finally
and I just couldn’t remember it. Perhaps
I couldn’t remember it because he wanted to make sure that I woke up
rested. Maybe it was God telling me what
to do. Or maybe it was both of
them. I really don’t know. But I do know this, when I walked out of the
house to catch horses, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I needed to ride Kid Rock. I have never been more sure of anything in my
life. When I told Jason that I was
riding Kid Rock instead of Solo, he got a pretty shocked look on his face. He knows how much I have been struggling with
this. And he knows how upset I was with
my lack in confidence on the horse that I bought who was supposed to be taking
me to that pay window. But I really had
no doubts at all this time. I couldn’t even
believe how sure I was. I was riding Kid
Rock and it was going to be my day.
 |
| James and me. 30th High Call in the #7 |
I entered one time in
the #7 which was a pick one, draw two.
Jason was my pick and I drew two other guys. There was only one brief second where I doubted
my decision to ride Kid Rock instead of Solo and that was right before I rode
into the box to rope my first steer. I
looked over at Solo and thought, “Am I making a huge mistake?” Then I reminded myself to trust my gut, trust
my dad, and trust God. I had that gut
feeling for a reason. I had to let go of
my insecurities and go out there and rope like I knew I could. I roped my first and second steers for my
draw partners and I was pretty sure I had made the short round with both. Then Jason and I roped. My horse had been working awesome. I had already stuck 4 steers with no problems
and my confidence was high. I called for
my steer and my horse broke perfect. I
took two swings and roped the heck out of him.
Jason took his first shot and hammered two feet. We were a mid 7. The second pen wasn’t quite as pretty but we
had another clean run at a long 8 seconds.
At that point, we were 3rd high call. I had now roped 6 steers in row, clean around
the horns. High teams rolled around and
one of my runs got bumped. I was 30th
high call with one partner and 3rd high call with Jason. I came out and hammered my 30th
high call steer and my partner missed. I
shook it off. All Jason and I had to do
was catch and we were in the money. As
we were riding in the box, I heard the announcer say we had to be a short 10 to
win first and I knew there was a wolfy kid sitting in the 2nd and 1st
high call teams. It was going to take a
miracle to win 1st, but all we had to do was rope better than the next two
teams. I backed in the box and called
for my steer. We got out perfect. I took three swings and threw a little bigger
loop than normal, roping him around the neck.
There was no way in hell I was going to miss that steer! We went left pretty hard and I realized Jason
was quite a ways behind me…I thought that was strange because he usually likes
those handles where I don’t poodle them across the pen. As it turns out, his horse cheated him and
set up on the corner and he had to kick him up to get set up again. He came around and my heart sank as he
dropped a coil and threw a Hail Mary.
The steer kicked the loop around and the rope came tight. My horse spun around to face and to my surprise,
he somehow, someway, had two! We were 9
and half…CLEAN! We were now sitting 1st
with two teams left to rope.
When we got to the catch pen, I turned to Jason and said, “I
freaking LOVE you right now!!!” I had no
idea how that all came together, but it did.
Maybe it was my dad…maybe it was his dad…maybe it was God…maybe it was
all three! I didn’t care! I thanked them all. 2nd high call came out and the
header missed. One team to go. They came out and the header had to fish his
head loop on. That wolfy little kid came
around and hammered two feet. The flag
dropped. They needed to be a long 10
seconds to beat us. The clock stopped at
11 and half! We WON!! We won, we won, we won!!! I was so happy! There aren’t words to explain how happy and
thankful I was! Everyone was hugging me
and shaking my hand and congratulating me!
It wasn’t like I’d won a fortune, but everyone was so stoked for me and
I could not stop smiling! Jason and I
hugged and jumped up and down! It was a
little ridiculous, but you can’t beat how elated we were.
 |
| Me and Jason with our new saddles! |
I know my dad was watching.
I know he was smiling and celebrating right along with me. I couldn’t hear him banging on the side of
the trailer, but I know without a doubt that he was. Nothing could be more special to me. I won my second saddle exactly 12 years to
the day that I won my first saddle. When
I needed my dad more than anything, he showed me that he was there by helping
me to relive one of the best days of my life.
At the end of the day, I won a saddle, $1132 cash; I roped 11 steers in
a row, never broke out once, and ended up turning 12 out 14 steers total all
day. And, Jason won his very first
saddle! I really did rope my butt off
and I deserved to feel proud. But more
than just being proud of myself, I was extremely proud of my horse. Did I feel a little guilty that I didn’t get
a win on Solo? Yes, absolutely. He and I have worked so hard together and we
still haven’t pulled a check. But I
still love him and I still am confident in him.
We will win eventually. I am just
so extremely thankful to have these two amazing animals in my life.
 |
| Kid Rock earned this saddle! It's his now! |
It’s so funny because every time I felt guilty for not
riding Solo, I kept having this feeling like that was why I had been crying in
my dream. I don’t remember what I
dreamed or even if I did, but I just have this gut feeling that dad was telling
me not to ride Solo…that he couldn’t handle those steers…that I needed to give
myself a better chance to win and ride my new horse…that I had nothing to be
afraid of…that it was going to be ok!
But more than anything (and I have no idea how to explain this), I felt
like my dad was asking me, “Who are you doing this for? Me or you?”
He was telling me, “Do it for you!
Go out and rope on the horse that you can win on! Stop feeling guilty because Solo is not
perfect! He got you back in the game and
you’ll always have him! I’m so proud of
how far you have come, so don’t beat yourself up. Just go out there and win for yourself! You deserve this.” I really wish I could explain why I have
these feelings. It was like I had a
dream, but I don’t remember it…but I FEEL it!
I felt my dad’s presence almost stronger than I EVER have before! I might not have remembered him telling me
those things in my dream, but I can darn sure feel them almost as if he was
speaking them right into my ear. And, it’s
a great reminder of the relationship I had with him. All those things that I wanted to feel and
hear from my dad actually happened. I am
great with words, but I have no words to describe how amazing that feels. I feel like my heart is bursting with love
right now.
The Lord truly works in mysterious ways. He gives you what you need, when you need
it. You just have to trust Him and have
faith that His plan is so much greater than your own. Everything that has happened to me has led up
to this moment. All the blood, sweat,
and tears that I have poured into this lifestyle finally reaped a reward. Psalms 20:4 says “May He grant your heart’s
desires and make all your plans succeed.”
God is full of love and if you love Him back, there is nothing He won’t
do for you. I truly believe that.
 | |
| My "Dirty 30" cookies made to look like my Dad's Memorial TR buckles! |
I want to thank everyone who has stood beside me in this
journey. I want to give a huge shout out
to my roommate, Ashley, for being one of my biggest supporters. She comes to my practices and jackpots,
cheers me on, films my runs, drags the sled around, and is the best “roping
wife” a girl could ask for. Thank you to
Jason for being a great friend and for catching three steers by two feet! “I FREAKING LOVE YOU RIGHT NOW!” A big thank you to Be Clean 15:3 for hooking
me up with some sweet hats and apparel.
Thank you to Elizabeth Scott at Casa de Equissage for keeping my horses
feeling great. Thank you to my friend,
Tess, for being a constant support and cheerleader (and for the coolest birthday
cookies EVER!). Thanks to my mom for
listening to all of my bitching and moaning when things don’t go my way and for
being so excited that you actually cried when I told you about my big win. I love you so much and miss you more than you
know! Thank you to my dad for being
there when I needed your guidance most.
The ultimate thanks to God for never letting me down and being the one
thing that I can ALWAYS trust and rely on.
And finally, thank you so much to all of you readers! Your support has inspired me to keep going
when I’ve felt like quitting. You guys have been with me through this whole
journey and I am so incredibly blessed for that. Please, continue to share this blog with your
friends and family and continue reading.
May God be with each and every one of you no matter what your passion is
in life!
